Dancing In The Morgue - Chapter 5

Extreme hopes are born from extreme misery.

- Bertrand Russell

Emily tried to think about a number of things. She tried thinking about puppies, teddy bears, gummy bears, polar bears, grizzly bears and circus bears. She even gave it a try and thought about Care Bears. None of those made her forget about Reid's face, his name, his voice, his smell. Could she be infatuated, like a horny teenage girl?

Focus, Emily! This is no time for you to be infatuated over some FBI agent! Especially with so much information left for you to take in! She felt like she had just relived the last five years of her miserable life all over again, in a matter of minutes. Every picture, some blurry, others a little more clear than she would like them to be; every sound, every scream of pain, every scream of pleasure, every whisper, every voice she had ever heard in her entire life; every touch of every hand she had ever touched, every soft hand or rough hand, every touch of every finger in her hair, or every hair running through her fingers... She closed her eye and all those images flashed inside her mind.

She opened her eyes again and focused on the ceiling of her bedroom. She got up from her bed, very slowly, as if she was stopping herself from something. What, though? What was she stopping herself from? What was she metaphorically stopping herself from? From falling for Agent Spencer Reid? She wouldn't fall in love with someone that quickly. However, he was on her mind all the time. She found him sexy, in a twisted way. But the one thing about Agent Spencer Reid she could not get off her head was that deep sadness she had seen in his eyes. That note of solitude she had noticed in the way he talked, walked, and looked at her, like he was lost deep down inside. That was the thing Emily couldn't stop thinking about. His sadness. She loved his sadness more than anything and, thinking about his eyes filled with that mysterious glimpse of tragic loneliness, it both aroused her and saddened her in a way that almost made her smile.

He got her confused, puzzled, infatuated in such an unexplainable way. Like he was a maze she had entered from the moment she first looked him in the eye and now she could either go back while she could still see the way out, or she could go further on and get lost, hoping to find the sweet center of the maze, where happiness would be waiting for her. She couldn't stop thinking about this and the fact that maybe her father was alive. But somehow, the news about her mother being murdered by maybe someone else other than her father didn't have such an impact on her like it would have been expected. Somehow those news didn't seem to have affected her as much as they should. For some reason, she couldn't believe it. Not like she was calling the FBI liars, she just didn't believe it. In her mind, those evidences Reid had talked about would turn out to be fake, another false alarm.

"Katheryn!"

It was her Nana's voice. Once again, Nana though Emily was Katheryn, her mom. That happened quite often. It was like Nana Beth was stuck in time, back when Katy was still a single girl and Nana was happy with Grandpa. Maybe those years were the best of her life, that's why she kept living stuck in them.

"Yes, Nana?" Emily called out, ignoring the fact that Nana was, once again, calling her by her mother's name. She eventually got used to it and now it didn't affect her as much as it did before.

"Come here, honey." She said, a very sweet voice. Emily smiled to herself. Nana was not in herself, but at least she was happy.

Emily wondered what being truly happy was like. She wondered what it would be like to find a man who loved you and wanted you for exactly who you are. Marrying that man, having children and being happy, even if just for a few months, weeks, days. Or even hours! She wanted to feel loved even if only for a few hours.

She hung onto those minutes she had spent next to Spencer Reid. Those mixed, yet wonderful feelings inside of her when she felt that lovely sadness of his, deep in his sweet hazel eyes.

And then she went downstairs, in order to spend some time with Nana.



Spencer Reid glanced at his wristwatch: 2:35AM. He couldn't get any sleep that night, God knows why. He had been tormented by nightmares in the past few days. Honestly, those nightmares had been bothering him since a very young age, but lately they were more intense. He dreamed of his mother, his schizophrenic mother who couldn't do anything by herself.Catatonic schizophrenia, he kept repeating to himself, over and over again.

He was now twenty nine years old, which meant he was on a scary age. Usually, schizophrenia manifests between the ages of twenty to thirty, depending on the cases, but the usual average age was early twenties to early thirties. Spencer was still on time to start displaying symptoms. He was afraid he'd turn out to be like his mother: he was afraid he wouldn't be able to clean himself up or eat by himself and ended up depending on everyone around him, like his mother did in her last few years.

He couldn't help but to see himself a little bit in that Emily girl he had met that day. She was a little like himself. Even though she was cheeky and kind of flirty on the outside, he knew people well enough to know that the flirting and shit talking was nothing but a mask. He had a BA in Psychology, so he assumed he knew people very well, even strangers. He was an FBI profiler, so he assumed he could read people like a book by just watching how they move, hearing how they talk.

So, he thought he had Emily all figured out, except he hadn't. Something about her wasn't unfigurable, even for a trained high IQ'ed FBI profiler. He knew the pain of having a schizophrenic relative and the fear of becoming like them. He knew what it was like to live in chaos. Though, they were very different in a way: Reid spent his teenage years trying to find order in that chaos, because that order would calm him down. Emily, on the other hand, seemed to enjoy the chaos and confusion. Somehow, she managed to live well in it, and she didn't seek order. She was an overall disorganized person. She acted like a flirt when truthfully, she was shy and socially insecure. She acted like she was the happiest kid on Earth, yet her eyes were soaked in misery. A misery Reid knew oh-so-well.

They were together in misery. They could be two world apart, but that one thing would be enough for them to have created such a bond within such a short period of time. They were together.